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I would have analysed how open he was prepared to be with the deeper questions, was that a good or a bad sign?
And I would have instantly prescreened my answers to those to not give away anything too personal, too painful, to someone who I didn’t yet know I could trust with my secrets, my failings.
The questions are well-known in psychology circles as the subject of an experiment carried out in 1997. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be? Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know? Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time?
If I had done what this woman did on her first date, there would never have been a second one with the man I have now been with for 10 years. Today the Internet is talking about a beautiful essay by Mandy Len Cantron, who writes about how, on the first official date with a man she vaguely knew, she asked the 36 questions that are guaranteed to indicate exactly how compatible two people are.
But he would have been bound to say something I deemed “stupid” or ” shallow”, like choose Jean Claude Van Damme as his dinner party guest, or confess that he wanted to be famous for winning the world air guitar championships (true story, people).
His perfect day would definitely have included much, much beer. Bob Dylan and Maya Angelou would have been my dinner guests, I would definitely only want to be famous for creating/inventing something profoundly important and my perfect day would have involved walks on the cliffs and wine.
What roles do love and affection play in your life? Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner.
Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s? How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?
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Which is the problem with conducting a scientific experiment in a non-scientific environment, and possibly with placing too much stock in the answers to questionnaires, whether a by an eminent psychologist or a dating website. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
But that doesn’t mean I’m not going to go home, insist my partner does this questionaire with me tonight, and then fight about our answers.
Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen. I want to rush home and go through it with my partner right now. But, 10 years ago, when I went on for a Saturday afternoon drink with a man I sort of knew from work, if I had pulled that out and started going through it, I would have been home by 5pm.
Being the kind of guy who’s always up for something interesting, I think my date would have agreed, as Len Cantron’s did, so that wouldn’t have been the problem. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?